What Hurts the Most
by Vodka Martini
Summary: Hawkeye Can't sleep. You'll have to read to find out why!


Ok, I know it's been a while, I'm sorry. This song is by Rascal Flatts, and no copyright infringement is intended. I don't own MASH or the characters, and I don't own Rascal Flatts…although I saw them in concert once and I have a T-Shirt! Enjoy.

_I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house, that don't bother me. I can take a few tears now and then and just let 'em out. I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though going on with you gone still upsets me there are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok…but that's not what gets me…_

Hawkeye rolled over with a sigh. He pulled the soft blanket with him, pulling it up to his chin. He snuggled deeper into the covers, trying to get comfortable so he could slip back into a comfortable sleep where he could ignore the empty feeling in his chest. It was the same painless oblivion that he escaped to every night when, once again, he found himself at the bottom of another bottle with no relief. There was just something about the rain though, that reminded him of her. Actually, there was something about just about everything that reminded him of her. The thunder roared outside his window, and he shut his eyes tight, knowing that trying to fall asleep would only make it harder. In the weeks since she'd said goodbye, for good this time, he had spent most of his nights crying himself to sleep, but there were no more tears now, just emptiness.

_What hurts the most was being so close and having so much to say, and watching you walk away. And never knowing what could have been, and not seeing that loving you is what I was trying to do._

It's not like they were officially together. She'd come to Crabapple Cove to get over some boyfriend she'd had after the war. She'd said they got pretty serious, and she said that she thought he was the one. She'd shown up at the perfect time, right after his dad had died, and they worked through their pain together, little by little. She'd never known what a big piece of his heart she held, and even he wasn't aware of how much she meant to him. He'd given her space, taken it as slow as he could. He thought she wanted time to get over all the disappointment she felt from yet another failed relationship. He was the one she always came back to after everything else she relied on fell apart, and he'd finally decided to try to build something more on that basis of trust, but it was that same night that she'd come to him, slightly drunk and in tears. She'd told him how this time, coming here, she'd hoped that they could be more than just friends. She wanted not only to get over this relationship, but to start a new one. She was so thankful for his support, but she said that she could see he no longer had feelings for her, so she would leave in the morning and make things easier. He hadn't been able to reason with her, or change her mind, and the next morning, when he woke up, she was gone. Three months of living together had ended in one terrible evening.

_It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go but I'm doing it. It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone. Still harder getting up, getting dressed, living with this regret, but I know if I could do it over I would trade, give away, all the words that I saved in my heart that I left unspoken._

Hawkeye rolled onto his back. He stared at the ceiling, knowing that tonight it was not going to be so easy to forget. He hadn't even heard from her since that night. He could only pray that she was safe, and that sometime in the future she could find a way back to him. He could almost relive all the moments when he'd almost told her, almost said something. He remembered one time, only weeks before she'd left, he'd walked out onto the deck on a beautiful Sunday morning to find her curled up on the swing reading a romance novel. She'd been wrapped in a quilt that his mom had made, and her soft blonde hair was glowing in the sunlight. She'd looked up at him and smiled, then returned to her book. He remembered how he had stood there for a moment, watching her. Everything about her touched him, and he remembered thinking that he hadn't known he could feel love this strong. There were so many times he had almost told her, but instead he had told himself that it was too early, and she didn't want to hear it. He would give anything to go back and make it right, to have told her everything that he'd held inside. They had shared all their thoughts and feelings. They had been so close, but now it didn't look like they would ever know what could have been. That woman had been his everything, and now it seems he'd lost her forever.

_What hurts the most was being so close and having so much to say…and watching you walk away. Never knowing what could have been…and not seeing that loving you was what I was trying to do._

Ok, HELP! Please review this, I would love to hear if you think I should continue it or let it end as is. I COULD possibly make a happy ending…so let me know what you think! Thanks.


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